Change of plans

Instead of going to Las Vegas next weekend it's been decided that we're going to go to Big Bear Lake and go camping! I love camping. I haven't been to Big Bear so this should be fun. It's supposed to be chilly at night so thank goodness I'll have someone there to keep me warm. I'm really looking forward to this. Now I'm off to shower so I can get ready to go shopping for some camping supplies. I'm weirdly excited about that.

Kilts, curry, downtown San Diego, and laughter!

What a weekend. Saturday was spent in San Diego. First at Balboa Park for Tartan Days at the International Cottages. I love a man in a kilt. Not the same as in Scotland (boy do I miss the accents) but it was still nice. Then lunch at the Japanese Tea Garden that consisted of curry chicken sandwiches (just yummy by the way). Finally, a private tour of downtown San Diego that consisted of driving through Little Italy, the Gaslamp, and Seaport Village. A detour to La Jolla was made and a stop at We Olive. We Olive is a speciality store for all things olive, mainly olive oil, and vinegar. I had some champagne vinegar that was simply delicious. They had a deck that overlooked the beach in La Jolla. Oh man, that was beautiful. On the walk back to the car we noticed a store front that had little figurines. On closer inspection we noticed that they were Kama Sutra figurines! VERY interesting! It was a fun filled, and funny day. I love days like that.

Vegas baby!

I'm headed to Vegas next month. The last time I was there was when I got married but we didn't get to do much because of the heat. This year I'm going earlier and we're going to stay in a hotel near the strip. By the way, I'm going without the ex. lol. I can't wait. My aunt, uncle, and cousin live there but I don't feel right staying with them. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas! ; )

X-rays, sleeping, and tsunami's

I had the x-rays of my shoulder, ankle, and foot done today. With any luck I'll hear something early next week. I haven't been sleeping well lately because of pain, especially in my shoulder, but tonight I won't be sleeping alone so hopefully it'll go smoothly and I won't be bumped too much. You never realize how big or lonely a bed is until you're not sleeping in it alone.

Luckily, we haven't had any problems because of the recent tsunami. I had a talk with my kids this morning before they left for school. I just kind of let them know what was going on, there's nothing to worry about, and let them ask any questions they might have. My youngest had a few questions so I answered them the best I could. I didn't want to scare my kids but I certainly didn't want to send them to school knowing nothing and have them find out and be scared. I sent them off with questions answered, a cool and calm attitude, and an I love you. That reassured them more than anything. I love being a mom.

Oh so fun

Yesterday was my doctor's appointment. I'll save you the boring details and make a long story short. Today my doctor got the approval for x-rays for my shoulder and ankle, both on my left side. I'm in constant pain and look like some sort of gimp walking around with a limp. I also got a flu shot and man has that made my arm sore. I should be getting results on several other tests too, so wish me luck. Now I've got to wait for the referrals for the x-rays to come in and then I get to go get those done.

Sadly this post has to be short. I need to get back into bed and prop up my ankle and shoulder.

Why?

I've got a doctor's appointment today for some health issues I've been having. Why is it I feel guilty for going? I feel like I should cancel. I feel like a whiner. When my kids are having problems I'm all about getting them in and getting in any face I have to in order to get my point across and make sure the problem is addressed or seen to. But when it comes to me, when I'm having issues, and not made up in my mind issues, but genuine issues I'm feeling this guilt. My health is just as important. If something should happen to me, well, I just won't think of the alternative. So now I'm off to shower and hope to wash away this guilt while I get ready for my doctor's appointment.

Scotland and love songs

I've been doing a lot of thinking about Scotland. I loved it there. In fact, my profile picture is a picture I took in Scotland. It's a river near Loch Ness, heck it might even run into Loch Ness for all I know. Everytime I think of this next memory I smile. I was at my sister's wedding. She got married in a castle in Scotland. She was up on a balcony overlooking the courtyard, getting ready to throw her bouquet. She nagged every single female, including me, into catching the bouquet. I was refusing to be in that group. I've been married twice and divorced twice. The last thing I wanted to do was catch a bouquet. But it came down to refusing and marring my sister's perfect day or giving in and making her happy. I gave in with the provision that I would keep my hands in my pockets. I knew that damn bouquet was coming to me, I could feel it. Sure enough, I'm standing there, with my hands in my pockets with that bouquet coming at me and out of relex I put my hand out to catch it and then realize what I'm doing I pulled back. I touched it and it bounced off my hand when I pulled back. It ended up falling on the ground but because I was the first to touch it everyone insisted on me taking it. It just makes me smile and giggle to think about that.

Which brings me to love songs. Have you ever heard a love song and thought that you wanted someone to feel that way about you or you really wanted to dedicate that song to the one you love? I have and they seem to keep popping up lately. Should I ever get married again, I'd like the love songs that have really touched me played at my wedding.

Oy with the poodles

I composed a nice post about how busy I'm going to be this month only to have it go astray and when I pushed the back button like the page said, mysteriously the post had disappeared. I was afraid that was going to happen.

This month will be a busy one for my family. We've got lots of appointments this month. Doctor's appointments, dentist appointments, school appointments, and other miscellaneous appointments. And while I find being a single parent satisfying and rewarding, there are times I find it frustrating. Like when there's not enough time in the day to get everything done. I'll be taking a lot of time off work to get these appointments done but what can you do? They've gotta be done.

It doesn't look like much and I guess it's really not. But the part that's draining me is the planning, paperwork, juggling things, and executing the plan. I know myself well enough to know that I'm too much of a control freak to let someone else help me anyway. So while I may complain about having to do it all myself, I guess I wouldn't have it any other way. I don't know any other way. And now I'm off to make phone calls regarding things I've let slide and then pay bills. Joy of joys. Wish me luck.

Stop stop stop!

Today I received an email from my ex husband. The false caring is what irritates me the most. Stop pretending to care. Stop pretending to be nice. I'd respect him a tiny little bit if he was just honest. I know what he is and concerned and nice are not them. He's not totally to blame for the demise of our marriage but he is to blame for who he is. You choose to be nice. You choose to be mean. You choose to be vindictive. You choose to be honest. You choose to be underhanded or sneaky or manipulative. You choose to cheat or stay faithful. Everyday is a choice. I'd have a little respect for him if he wasn't living everyday as a lie. This sounds harsh or like a woman scorned. But evil exists, bad people exist, and not all good things happen to good people. Bad things happen to good people just like good things happen to bad people.

My point? I'm tired of the lies and the falseness. I'd rather see, acknowledge, and deal with the ugly truth then to have it hunting me and ready to pounce and take me by surprise. This all seems rather dramatic, but if you've lived with a 2 faced or sneaky, manipulative person then you'll know what I'm talking about and agree. If you can't understand, then consider yourself lucky.

By the way...

I went and got my toes done today. They are a fabulous shade of green with a shamrock on them, for St. Patrick's Day obviously. And since I leave my finger nails unpolished I'm the guinea pig that gets to test out the colors to see which ones we really want. Five of my finger nails have different shades of green on them and 3 others have coral, blue, and glittery red. The last 2 are unpainted. Yes, I look like a freak show. But it was a fun day filled with laughter and female bonding.

Lots of thinking

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about choices and unanswered or answered prayers. I'm not a religious person and I keep my spirituality to myself. It's just one of those things that I don't like to and won't discuss. You believe what you believe and I'll believe what I believe. My point? I've never been one to make good choices regarding men. I would've stayed with my ex if he had been willing to give things a chance (Unanswered prayer). I would've worked on that marriage until it killed us. I have to thank God for not letting that happen. At first I was sad about the break up. But I realized soon after what a blessing it was. It's freed me up to find the man I deserve, the man worthy of me. That sounds egotistical but it's not meant to. I'm worthy of healthy love.

Beyond that, last month, I believe God took a hand in matters and did what I couldn't bring myself to do. I don't like hurting people and I'm a non-confrontational person so when it came for me to tell someone that I couldn't be what he wanted me to be, I couldn't and I always got sucked back in. So God read my heart and said enough is enough for me (Answered prayer). This is what I believe.

Am I actively looking for Mr. Right? No. I'm working on myself and doing things for myself, for once. Hopefully I'll be starting school this summer. Hopefully I'll be doing some traveling. But first, I have to see a doctor for some health issues I've been having. When I do find my Mr. Right I'll know it and I won't let him go. I've already got part of the wedding planned. I'm doing it right and I'm doing it my way this time (Choices).

Same ol', same ol'

Sadly, my life tends to run the same everyday. There's a few variations but all in all, my life is routine. Not that that's always a bad thing. Even this weekend is routine. Tomorrow I'm going to get a pedicure with my mom and sister, followed by shopping and lunch. It's always nice to get out though. There should be some exciting things coming up. A trip to Balboa Park in San Diego, a Renaissance Faire, and the Highland Games. Hopefully a trip to Julian (a mountain-ish town) will be thrown in there too. In the meantime, I'll look forward to having pretty toenails tomorrow.

Letting go

Today I've realized that I haven't let go of the friend that let go of me. I haven't wanted to let go of him in hopes that he'd realize what a good friend I am to him. But it hit me today that he's let go of me and it's time I let go of him. I actually thought that we'd be able to be friends forever. We'd made plans together. He gave up on me. He laughed at me (and not in a good way). He hurt me.

It's time I let him go. I need to stop hoping he'll text me or call me or contact me somehow. I hate missing him. I hate that he doesn't feel the same. Time to let go and get on with life. I will not die an unlived life.

Panic attacks revisited

Joy, oh joy. I woke up to another panic attack this morning around 4:45 AM. Thankfully it wasn't as severe and in fact, I was back to sleep in just a few minutes. Not that I slept long, I was awake shortly after 5 AM. Oh well. Hopefully a bad morning means I'll have a good day. I'm choosing to be optimistic today.

I'm taking pictures of my trip to Scotland into work today. My co-worker remembered that I was going and asked me about it yesterday and asked for pictures. And since I'm dying to go back to Scotland (love, Love, LOVE the highlands) and I love talking about my trip and looking at the pictures it's no hardship to take pictures and talk about them.

Oh the love

It's nice to be desired and "fought" over, even if it is for work. I started my new job today within the same company. The old branch wanted to keep me but couldn't. I had several co-workers talking to the supervisor in the hopes of keeping me. I started the new job today and was greeted by a couple of old co-workers that changed offices. They were happy to see me and in fact one claimed me as her new assistant. One of the supervisors called me to her office and greeted me with a hug (she's from the old office also) and told me basically that I'm special because I'm 1 of 3 people that are allowed to do the job I'll be doing. It's nice to know that even though I suck at relationships and love, I'm apparently good at what I do. lol.

Ahhh, panic attacks

I had my first panic attack in August 2010. I didn't know what it was at first. I thought for sure I was about to have a seizure, something I've never had before either. I've learned to recognize when one is coming on and ways to help keep me grounded. Last night was a totally new experience. I've never had a panic attack wake me up before. I woke up at 3 AM feeling sick and then the shakiness, whirling, and jitters started to hit. This was a big one because I had the feeling of about to have a seizure again. I almost went to wake up my daughter so she could call an ambulance. I've developed a problem with low blood sugar so at first I thought it was that. I ate a Starburst to see if that'd help. When that didn't do anything I knew it was time to ground myself. I've learned that the best way to keep myself grounded and in the now is to distract myself.

I had a friend I would text and he'd distract me. He was really good at it too. All I had to do was text him and let him know I feel a panic attack coming on and he'd say something silly or off the wall to make me laugh and things would start to calm down. With the loss of that friend, which is hard to deal with by itself, I've had to find new ways to distract myself. I'll normally log into my Facebook account but at 3 AM there wasn't much going on. Between Facebook and TV I was able to calm down and eventually go back to sleep, but not until after 4 AM.

I keep hoping these panic attacks will go away as mysteriously as they appeared but sadly I don't see that happening. I just need to not think about it too much because that brings them on, and learn ways to ground myself and focus so I can get through them.

Loneliness

At times I feel so alone in my loneliness. I'm not lonely all the time. I don't mind being alone most times. But there are those times when I long for that connection or human touch. I miss that shared history or inside jokes. I miss dreaming with another person about vacations, new furniture, or just what you want the future to hold. It is possible to be surrounded by people, even people you love, and still be lonely.

I don't spend a lot of my time thinking about this. It hits at random moments. Mostly at night when my guard is down. For some reason with the coming of night my guard lowers and the emotions I don't allow to show or allow myself to feel in the light of day appear with the darkness. Maybe because I am alone or because it's easier to hide in the dark.

Today, obviously, is one of those days when loneliness is hitting me hard. I've got my kids here and they give me a sense of peace, but they can't give me that connection that I long for. Will I ever find it? Who knows. I do know that with the feeling of loneliness I do have a sense of triumph, accomplishment, strength, and hope. I survived an abusive marriage. I came out the other side. I'm strong enough to not give up on love and myself.

So while I may be lonely, I'm not desperate and I still have hope for the future.

What to do...

What do you do when you have a lot to say but don't know how to say it or have anyone to say it to? I could keep it to myself where it'll stay buried in the thoughts and dreams graveyard, or I could give it life and hope and share it with whoever. At least it's out there in the off chance that someone does come across it. If it stays within me, in the graveyard, it'll never have a chance.

I'm finally going to give voice to the hopes, dreams, and thoughts that I've always been too afraid or shy to share. Expect the expected and the unexpected.