At times I feel so alone in my loneliness. I'm not lonely all the time. I don't mind being alone most times. But there are those times when I long for that connection or human touch. I miss that shared history or inside jokes. I miss dreaming with another person about vacations, new furniture, or just what you want the future to hold. It is possible to be surrounded by people, even people you love, and still be lonely.
I don't spend a lot of my time thinking about this. It hits at random moments. Mostly at night when my guard is down. For some reason with the coming of night my guard lowers and the emotions I don't allow to show or allow myself to feel in the light of day appear with the darkness. Maybe because I am alone or because it's easier to hide in the dark.
Today, obviously, is one of those days when loneliness is hitting me hard. I've got my kids here and they give me a sense of peace, but they can't give me that connection that I long for. Will I ever find it? Who knows. I do know that with the feeling of loneliness I do have a sense of triumph, accomplishment, strength, and hope. I survived an abusive marriage. I came out the other side. I'm strong enough to not give up on love and myself.
So while I may be lonely, I'm not desperate and I still have hope for the future.
